Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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