Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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