It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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