please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
