Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
