i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
