Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
