CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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