remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
