If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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