New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
