Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
