I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"