Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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