just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
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My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
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I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.