I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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