My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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