dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
