i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
