textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
