ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
