News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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