Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
