...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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