im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
