Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
