My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
