The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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