Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
