Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
try to milk me bitch
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