Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
