U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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