Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
