Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
