Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
