You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
