I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
