Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
