Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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