Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
