So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
