I skipped work to stalk him.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
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Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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