if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's no shave November. This is our time.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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