Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
