oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
