I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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