I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
