dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
