He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We're too hungover to prance.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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