my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
