Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
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