Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
