It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
