From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
