This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
