remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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