I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
