they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
