she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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