Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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