Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
