i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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