I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
