when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
