i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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